Come, Let Us Play
"Open Up" ...........................................................................................
and Sisters, Lovers and Sinners, come, let us play…
National Masturbation Month, having been so declared by the erotically aware
jill-off gals at Good Vibrations and the Godmother of Masturbation herself,
Dodson. Why bother to have a National Masturbation Month? Since just about
everybody plays sexual solitaire at least sometimes, it's virtually the nation’s—and
the world’s--preferred leisure past time. Masturbation isn’t terribly
controversial in these days of hotly debated sexual subjects. Why, it didn't
even make Senator Rick the Stick Santorum's List of Naughty Sex Acts that
the Government Should be Allowed to Break into Your Bedroom and Bust You For.
Nor did Pope Rat mention it in his List of Reasons Good Catholic Americans
Must Vote Republican. Still, what the Brits so adorably call "rubbing
off" just doesn't get the respect that it deserves.
the M Month. Otherwise, far too few of us private Onanists would be willing
to admit publicly that we indulge. Here in our Land of the Somewhat Free,
we have plenty of Gay Pride and Leather Pride, even a bit of Libertine Pride
out in the Blue States, but not much in the way of Wanker Pride. After all,
"sex for one," as harmless and healing as we now know it to be,
is still condemned by many as an illicit, shameful act, forbidden even to
lonely priests. Thus, most of us keep our single-handed pleasures under the
covers and in the closet.
Dr. Suzy and Mistress Selina
Minx jill off with Magic Wands
Brothers and Sisters, Liars and Fibbers, who will testify to the truth of
Actually, that word "testify" tells us a little
something about masturbation and truth, coming, as it does, from the same
Latin root as the words "testament," "testimony," and
"testicles." See, way back in Old Testament times, when our forefathers
swore an oath, they didn't put their hands on the Bible, because these were
Bible times, and the Bible hadn't been written yet. When our forefathers testified,
they put their hands on their
right, they swore by their family jewels! Telling
the truth (for a man) was assured by the public act of squeezing, stroking
or gently cupping one's sac.
do like your ancestors, do like your Old Father Abraham, grab your balls and
testify! Grab 'em right now, Brother! Don't grab 'em too hard. But don't be
too soft on yourself either. And Sister, you just grab your holy vulva right
where it feels good. Feel the power, the glory and the truth of solo sexual
revelation! Finger yourself with joy! Stroke yourself into rapture! Surrender
to self-pleasure. Testify to the truth of autoerotic ecstasy. Testify and
be healed of stress and frustration, sleep deprivation and Desperate Housewife
Syndrome......What's the matter, Brother Jack? Are you embarrassed, Sister
Jill? Feel silly? Guilty? Naughty? Baad? Don't
you know that if God had intended you not to masturbate, he would have made
your arms shorter? No, Jesus didn't say that, and neither did Mohammed.
George Carlin did. But it rings with more truth than most psalms.
and Be Healed"........
Video Photos: Dr. Susan Block
why is such a natural, pleasurable, healthful, free, convenient, ecologically
sound (population control, anyone?) and virtually harmless act as masturbation
so embarrassing, so unmentionable, so vilified? ? Ball-fondling oaths aside,
society's prohibitions against "self-abuse" seem to have begun thousands
of years ago as a moral code to sustain agrarian culture and tribal wars.
Back again to those Bible times, when the infamous Onan was struck dead by
God for "spilling his seed upon the ground" (which was, Biblically
speaking, more of a case of coitus interruptus than masturbation).
Tribal leaders assumed that if folks were masturbating--that is, having "sex
for fun" instead of channeling their entire sex drive into reproducing
the tribe--they wouldn't "be fruitful and multiply." They wouldn't
spawn enough children to work their harvests and go to war against opposing
tribes. You could call this ancient tribal taboo against masturbation and
other forms of nonreproductive sex the Mother of All Membership Drives.
Christians went on to further denigrate the joys of self-diddling by equating
sexual pleasure with pure evil. Though Jesus himself, according to the Gospels,
said remarkably little about sex and nothing at all about masturbation, early
Christian Fathers like Saint Paul and Saint Augustine were inflamed by what
they saw as sexual degeneracy in themselves and others. They declared masturbation
to be a gargantuan sin, one of the worst a human being could commit.
a so-called "natural sin" such as fornication, bigamy or adultery,
masturbation was a "sin against nature." What made masturbation
"unnatural" is anybody's guess, since nature shows us many creatures--dogs,
cats and bonobos,
to name a few--having sex for one just for fun.
LEFT: Female bonobo masturbating with ball
at the San Diego Zoo. ... PHOTO: Dr. Susan Block
RIGHT: Female bonobo masturbating in the wild. PHOTO: Franz Lanting. From
Bonobo: The Forgotten Ape
Christian Fathers were no bigger on fun than Rick the Stick or Pope Rat--at
least not for the common folk. Around 1300, the Archbishop of Sens wrote regarding
sins against nature that "the first branch is when man or woman by him
or herself, alone and aware of the fact and awake, falls into the filth of
sin." This proclamation encouraged the already popular practice of feigning
sleep whilst flogging the hog.
a natural sin like fornication was considered fairly minor, and could be absolved
by a parish priest, masturbation, being "unnatural," could be absolved
only by bishops or their lieutenants. Thus, the Church Fathers shrewdly used
the masturbation taboo to gain deep psychic power over an uneducated, frightened
populace. In other words, they had 'em by the balls! Since everybody masturbated,
everybody could be made to feel guilt, shame and the profound need for expiation,
from whom else but the Church Fathers?
Modern Church Fathers:
Repositories of Expiation for Masturbation
the centuries, frightening superstitions built up, e.g., that indulgience
in self-love caused warts, blindness, insanity and hair on the palms, not
to mention eternal damnation in hell (though if one could rub off in hell,
that might make it bearable--beat your meat in the heat).
there's the more “modern” notion that masturbation is wasteful.
This humdinger has its roots in the widespread misconception that men have
a limited amount of sperm, and that every ejaculation depletes a man's finite
allotment of precious semen, resulting in weakness and eventual impotence.
Actually, the opposite is closer to the truth: use it or lose it.
If a man doesn't have sex or masturbate consistently throughout his life,
as he gets older, he is more likely to lose his ability to get erections and
ejaculate. Some experts say he may be more likely to have prostate problems.
course, Brother Jack, if you ejaculate five times a day, you will not shoot
more than a gasp and a dribble by Ejaculation #5. So if you want to maximize
your spunk output, keep your hands off your treasure for 72 hours. That's
enough time to build up your maximum load. Wait much longer than that, and
you won't be building up anything but an unholy case of blue balls.
Dr. Susan Block in "The
New Horny Housewife" Video Self-Portrait
Though women don't produce semen, the myth that female masturbation
is debilitating, unfeminine or just plain wrong, has also held sway. Both
witch doctors and medical doctors, in their vain attempts to stop women from
touching their clitorises, have gone so far as to chop them off, sometimes
along with the labia too, performing horrific "female circumcisions"
that sometimes kill their victims (usually young girls) and always deform
them. Though Western doctors don’t perform these operations anymore,
female circumcisers still practice their trade in various African and Asian
Then there’s male circumcision, widely practiced all
over the world, sometimes with elaborate religious ritual, but more often
in hospitals where it is presented as “necessary” for “hygiene.”
In this sex therapist’ view, it’s all a byzantine smokescreen
for a massive, brutally child-abusive, rather fruitless effort to control
Two of the biggest anti-masturbation activists of the 19th
century, also big hygiene enthusiasts, were Sylvestor
Graham, designer of the Graham Cracker, and John Kellogg, creator
of Kellogg's Corn Flakes, the consumption of which was supposed to suppress
the sex drive. Kellogg called self-love "the vilest, the basest and the
most degrading act that a human being can commit." Wonder what he’d
say about all the semen fetishists who like to consume their cum with his
There are far too many anti-wanking superstitions that have
proliferated though history to list here, and modern science has disproved
them all. Experts consider masturbation to be a normal, safe sexual activity,
not to mention a superb cardiovascular workout. Still, in many circles, self-pleasuring
is unmentionable. American Surgeon General Dr. Joycelyn Elders was forced
to resign when she mentioned masturbation in the context of safe sex education.
Maybe if Bill
Clinton had taken Dr. Elders' advice instead of firing her, he'd have
sidestepped being sideswiped by the Religious Right.
Speaking of American presidents, as the whole world is all
too aware, George Bush’s demonic twist on the touchy subject of solo
sex involves getting leering American soldiers to force helpless, hooded prisoners
to do it (sometimes on camera!). What this is supposed to accomplish is unclear.
Is it a punishment? A reward? A bizarre, religiously inspired humiliation?
A way to “blow off steam”? A very bad joke? Some kind of interrogational
inducement to spill the beans along with the seed? Whatever its ostensible
Mandatory P.O.W. Jack-Off Policies cast yet another deeply sinister shadow
on the innocent pleasures of masturbation.
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