FIRST PUBLISHED ON-LINE IN OCTOBER, 1996

August 28, 1996

Dr. Susan Block's
Dr. Laura Diaries

Wherein I am said to
"Masturbate on Cue,"
And Dr. Laura to
"Bash and Belittle Women"

Publicity is such a double-edged sword. It cuts through the natural obscurity of things to introduce you intimately to people you've never seen, and it slices your soul into bite-size bits, throwing them to the hounds.

The first issue of New Times in LA is out, featuring an article on me called "Good Vibrations" by Steve Lowery. While it's nice to be recognized as a force to be reckoned with by the new paper in town, the piece is dumb, snide, choppily edited and generously peppered with journalistic inaccuracies. The best one regards how enormously wealthy Lowery figures Max and I to be, what with all our "limos and bodyguards." "Those bodyguards don't work for free," opines Lowery. Oh, spare me the self-righteous, poorer-than-thou ethics.

Lowery also shows himself to be a humorless New Age prude, making a big fuss about how I "masturbate on cue" and getting his panties in a knot over how I encouraged a female ejaculation caller to "keep on spurtin'." Does he think maybe Mother Theresa should be hosting a sexuality show?
 

Wide view of me and my crotch in New Times,   Photo by Marc Savage.

Well, what did I expect? The guy wore Birkenstocks to our interview which he looked down at sheepishly when I showed him my vulva puppet. He makes a bunch more silly mistakes about both Max and me, calls us "hustlers" (how original), then puts a shot of my crotch on the cover of New Times (to hustle papers, of course).

But there is that other edge to the sword, and it's an essentially positive article, especially regarding The 10 Commandments of Pleasure and the HBO show. He does get snippy about my academic background ("though she has an undergraduate degree from Yale, Block's doctorate comes from Pacific Western...and the doctorate is in philosophy, not psychology."). But then he reminds himself that lots of airwave advice-givers aren't psychologists (duhh), the worst of which he considers Dr. Laura Schlessinger, who "bashes and belittles women every day...Talk about your evil scientist."

I've never met Dr. Laura and have nothing against her personally. Actually, I feel a certain odd kinship with her, as we're both wacky, Jewish on-air philosophers. Besides, she's on the cover of the Broadcasting and Cable June 10, 1996 issue, which happened to be the issue in which my HBO show Radio Sex TV was shown to get the highest ratings of the day in all of cable TV.

But based on the few times I've heard her show, I'd say she's pretty dangerously anti-sex. She frowns upon any expression of sex that is at all outside the narrow path of monogamous marital sex. She's William Bennet with a doctorate, a microphone and a pussy. Wonder how she'll feel about being called an "evil scientist." That's a lot worse than "masturbating on cue." In fact, I'm rather proud of that particular talent of mine.
 

Wherein Stevie Wets His Birkies,
and Max Recovers from
Not Being a Recovering Drug Addict

Max and I called Steve Lowery to thank him for the article and point out his screw-ups. Poor pathetic Stevie was falling all over his Birkies apologizing, telling us how much he loved us and how his New Times editor had chopped out all the really good parts of the article and insisted he take a more skeptical approach to us and our sex-positive activities and philosophy of ethical hedonism. He said his editor was sure that I'd somehow brainwashed him with the hypnotic buzzing of my vibrator or something, tricking him into falling into my sticky-wicky web.
 

Closeup of my crotch on the cover of New Times premiere issue.

It was all very emotional. Steve was crying. I was embarrassed for him. So, I decided to be compassionate and forgive Steve Lowery. How can I resist the blubbering apologies of a hapless New Age wimp?

But to further vent (and stretch out the PR), Max and I wrote this letter to New Times:

Dear Editors,

While we were pleased to be the subject of an article for the first issue of LA's New Times ("Good Vibrations" by Steve Lowery), we would like to make a few corrections and comments. First, Max was NOT "trying to put his life together from the cumulative effects of drug addiction" when we met (or any time) as the article incorrectly states. Although in Hollywood, being a recovering drug addict is tantamount to having graduated with honors from Yale, Max never was one. Second, Susan was ready and even excited to be photographed in her typical offscreen garb (glasses, T-shirt, etc.) as Mr. Lowery requested, but YOUR editorial office nixed it, insisting on just one photo in her lingerie, apparently due to your measly photo budget. Susan is NOT reluctant to be photographed looking "normal," as the article states. Third, the article itself, despite its snide, sexually uptight tone and choppy editing, does manage to portray Susan as the bright, thoughtful, funny, ethical, sensuous sex thera pist that all her clients, fans, friends and family know her to be. But calling her a "Hollywood hustler" on the cover was pretty brainless. We couldn't help but notice that you used the word "hustler" to describe a few other people in the same issue. Apparently, your word budget is also rather measly.

Anyway, welcome to Los Angeles, New Times, and if you ever run out of words again, please don't hesitate to give us a call. We're open 24 hours a day, and we believe that, like inept lovers, inept editors shouldn't be ashamed to ask for help when they really need it.

Susan M. Block, Ph.D. & Maximilian R. Lobkowicz
The Dr. Susan Block Institute for the Erotic Arts and Sciences
Los Angeles, California

Wherein Dr. Laura is "Stupefied"
and Attacks Me (Me!)
in Tacky Drive-By Bashing

So much for me not having anything personal against this Dr. Laura. Now I do. The witless bitch has just gone and attacked me! I have never said a mean word about this woman (except to you, Dear Diary), but she has just verbally, viciously and publicly assaulted me in a letter to New Times. Here it is as it was published, verbatim:

 

Dr. Laura contemplates to bash or not to bash, and whom to bash.
On the cover of Broadcast and Cable.  Photo by Craig Mathew. 

It is unpleasant to be mentioned, even in passing, by Steve Lowery in his article about a pseudo-professional "porn queen." It was stupefying to see my work described as "bashes and belittles women every day" (my callers are 50% men, and I have received numerous awards from men's, women's and religious groups for the superior content of my program) and mystifying to see myself called an "evil scientist." However stupid these remarks are, I recognized the powerful freedom you folks have to say anything you want about anybody, based solely on your mood or superficial purpose--forget truth. I do wish Mr. Lowery were at least more responsible with his research. I hold a postdoctoral certification from USC in Marriage and Family Therapy and am licensed by the State of California as a Marriage and Family Counselor (MFCC). However, my program is essentially about principles and values and is not a "shrink show."

continue to:
Wherein I Advise Dr. Laura to
Get Her Panties Out of Their Knot,
Act like a Mensch and Apologize

DR. SUSAN BLOCK'S
DR. LAURA DIARIES

INDEX