Dr. Susan Block's
Dr. Laura Diaries (continued)

October 10, 2000

Wherein Laura Goes Lite for TV, Everyone Gets On the Bash Dr. Laura Bandwagon, & I Get Back Into You

Cheese

I'm back, dear Dr. Laura Diary, after not having written a thing in your blank pages for almost two years. My, how time flies when you're having sex and living life in two places (reality and virtual reality). But you were one of my very first entries in my website Journal, so I would never abandon you entirely.

The problem is I've just been so bored with Dr. L. Same old, same older and getting older with more of the same. A little more plastic surgery, a little less fang-gnashing in an attempt to ingratiate herself into the hearts and minds of boob tube-watching America.

Laura Lite 4TV

But this "Dr. Laura Lite" is about as convincing as "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter."

That's partly because deep down inside, she doesn't believe all the ultra-conservative malarkey she spouts. Deep down inside, she's still that not-quite-divorced young woman posing naked for her older lover who also happens to be her boss and can help her fulfill her ambitions. Deep down inside is a moral relativist/opportunist who just went fascist for the ratings. After all, if you've got a time slot after Rush Limpbag, what else do you do?

Since Dr. L's conservative beliefs are about as deep as her most recent face lift, she loses her moorings when forced into a format where she can't just bash and belittle people for being, well, people. In the cool medium of TV, she can't be mean, but she has no idea how to be nice and still be "Dr. Laura." Of course, on radio, she's nastier than ever. It's as if she's still fuming over the revelation of her nude photos. .All she can talk about is pedophilia and pornbraries. Yes, she's even breathing fire on the American Library Association for "boldy, brashly contributing to sexualizing our children…and now the pedophiles know where to go…" because the association stated that it was against restricting kids' access to any library materials, including the Web. Next, she'll be burning books.

From the Dr. Laura Parody Pages

And so a whole new crop of commentators are complaining about her, saying stuff I've been saying for years (often in your pages, dear Diary!). I feel so "been there, done that" about little Lauraleh. I mean, must we talk all about how awful, intolerant, hypocritical and nasty this little airwave arriviste is again? Now everybody's on the Bash Laura Bandwagon. I bashed her back when nobody was bashing her because the bitch was bashing me.

And I got bashed for bashing her! In the middle of these two years that I haven't been writing in you, dear Diary, there was yet another New Times piece in The Finger section, and this was a poisonous, calling me "Queen Dildo" in just as vituperative a way as Dr. Laura called me a "pseudo-professional 'porn queen'," opining that I was "just jealous" of Dr. Laura because she had more money and fame than I had. I'll admit to you, dear Diary, that this article hurt my feelings. It was mean as the Queen. It also perplexed me that anyone who calls themselves a journalist could possibly not see the irony within your pages and actually think I was jealous. Oh well, I decided to make fun of The Finger on my own show. I even put quotes from it into my Press Quotes page to balance out all the glowing praise from journalists who get my jokes.

Then, a couple of months ago, I got to finger The Finger. Her name is Marnye Kaye Oppenheim, and we met at an LA Press Club gathering and, as soon as I figured out who she was, she couldn't stop apologizing to me for that piece.

"I didn't know you then!" she confessed emotionally, "I hadn't even seen your show or listened to hers. I assumed you were like her, only not as rich. I was on deadline. And I was brand new to LA. Oh, I was such an idiot! And now, that I've seen your show, I love you! And I hate her! I hate her! I hate her! Can you ever forgive me!"

She was literally falling all over me, which I didn't mind, as Marnye Kaye Oppenheim, despite her questionable journalistic judgment, is a very sexy blonde. In fact, she falls all over me like this every time I see her, which is at every LA Press Club gathering, and I must admit that I encourage it because I always introduce her to someone new as "the chick who wrote that nasty Finger piece on my feud with Dr. Laura."

Such are the perks of journal-ism.

From the Dr. Laura Parody Pages

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October 26, 2001

Wherein I Take a Moment to Gloat
Over the Block Curse's
(Almost Embarrasingly) Obvious
S U C C E S S
In Bringing Dr. Laura Down,
But Pass on Joining in the
Chorus of Protesters
Demanding Paramount Censor Her

I must take a moment to gloat. The Block Curse has, without a doubt, settled itself upon Dr. Laura's hunched little shoulders.

I mean after the naked pictures that traveled all over the Web, the various exposes revealing Little Ms. Family Values' horrible relations with her own Mom, the huge, extremely well-organized protests of her Paramount TV show because of her stated views that gays are "biological errors," I'd say the Block Curse has this Queen of Moralizing Mean's goose good and cooked.

Dr. Laura in happier times. Photo: Bill Balance

And still, she has not apologized to me. She probably forgets that her refusal to apologize for calling me a "pseudo-professional porn queen" in New Times marked the beginning of all her troubles. Before that, she was a fairly well-respected radio host. Now she is a buffoon.

Alas, though Dr. Laura's star is falling, other censors are on the rise. Lieberman, another Orthodox Jew with a following, is a kinder, gentler censor. Smirking Born-Again Dubya is much more of a threat to all of our freedoms, of course. But Lieberman is insidious because he makes you feel like censoring is a liberal thing to do. At least, Dr. Laura makes it seem as nasty as it really is. Of course, Lieberman has always been Orthodox, whereas little Laurale is a Hasid-Come-Lately.

Speaking of lately, I've even found myself defending Dr. Laura, sort of. It's not that I feel sorry for her. She deserves every bit of radioactive debris that the Block Curse has heaped upon her, lo these past four years. She deserves to have her name smeared in the muck and smut of contemporary discourse. She deserves to be heckled, protested, despised, as she has been. But she does not deserved to be silenced. Well, actually, she does. But for the sake of the First Amendment, we must not silence her.

That's why I did not join in the call from the "Stop Dr. Laura Now!" folks (though I did give them a great review and four stars on my GREAT LINKS page). I think Laura deserves a chance to humiliate herself to as large an audience as wants to tune in (you know how people love watching car accidents and shows like Jackass). Let Dr. Laura have her spot on the boob tube. And let me have mine! All of our voices should be heard. Let the market decide who stays on. Her ratings are a'tumbling down like Jericho's walls anyway.

Actually, in a way, I kind of wish GLAAD would just let sink her silly little show all by herself. Let her die in the ratings without begging the advertisers to reneg on their endorsements. That almost makes her look like a free speech martyr.

DeviLaura: An Easy Target

But then, cursers can't be choosers. Once the Block Curse has been unleashed, it falls in mysterious ways.

My sincere advise to you, Dr. L: Get an honest job as a dominatrix.

And Laurale, I looked at your site stats. Don't look behind you now, but I'm hot on your heels.

Dr. Laura Eyes the Situation

 

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April 9, 2001

Wherein "Dr. Laura" (the TV show)
Dies an Ignominious Death,
Crippled by the Block Curse,
Shot down by the People,
Ignored by the Viewers and
Abandoned by the Almighty Advertisers

Well, it's officially over. The obituaries are filling the Calendar and Opinion sections of all the papers. Paramount has pulled the plug. The final episode taped on March 29, 2001. Thanks to the Block Curse, and millions of other assorted curses, karmic fall-out and bad vibes heaped upon her malicious little blow-dried head, the big "Dr. Laura" TV Experiment has failed.

Now you can put that finger where the sun don't shine, Lady. Your TV show is off the air.

Ding dong, the witch is dead, or at least tossed out of the glamour-garden of boob tube-land, relegated to the darkness of radio.

Procter & Gamble, Most TV Viewers & 9.9 Out of
10 Gay People Think You're a Social Menace

Nothing against radio, one of my favorite mediums. But we all know that TV is where she wanted to be. That's where she's been betting her money, her time and what's left of her reputation. And she failed. Miserably. Crippled by the Block Curse, shot down by the People, ignored by the Viewers and abandoned by the Almighty Advertisers.

Now Dr. Laura seems truly pathetic to me. Some of my friends say I should gloat double-time now. But I hate to kick a dog when it's down. I'd rather get on with more important tasks like saving the bonobos from extinction, my innocent husband from prison and my show from the censorious clutches of John J. Rigas.

But for Dr. Laura's own personal evolution and salvation, I should remind her of what I warned her back on the Ides of March, 1997: YOU PICKED THE WRONG WOMAN TO BASH.

When you first attacked me, Dr. L., calling me nasty names without an ounce of provocation from me, and then-arrogant and paranoid as a lone superpower--refused to apologize, you were at the height of your success. Now you have lost your beloved TV show, and your image alternates between national laughing stock and menace to society. Such is the power of the Curse.

Be humbled, Dr. Laura, my nemesis, my antagonist, my evil twin, my poor, poor, skinny little sister across the airwaves. Remember, that bright-eyed young woman posing naked and proud for her illicit lover's camera. Remember: that woman is you! And do not persist in trying to gouge out the bright eyes of eroticism in the rest of us.

Dr. Laura in brighter times.

It isn't even good for your ratings anymore.