Two weeks ago, as I write this, the World Pornography Conference opened on the same day Monica Lewinsky first testified before the Grand Jury. In my erotopolitical fantasy, the timing was more than coincidental. Here was the first official gathering of career academics and adult film-makers in sunny LA; while in steamy DC, the star of the nations biggest pornography production ever was spilling the delectable details of Oval Orifice lust, presidential phone sex, love gifts, fondling and a dress that must smell like a skunk, having gone four years without dry cleaning. This performance was ostensibly for the Grand Jury, but really entertained, excited, en-raged and enthralled an audience that encompassed the whole country and most of the world.
Supposedly, Monica wasn't a willing star in this X-rated soap--although the mom daughter team maintenance of the dress, stains and all, makes that supposition rather suspect. But independent counsel Kenneth W. Starr was and is a more-than-willing, down-right passionate producer of this piece of common porn that is taking its place in history books (How will they describe “semen stains” in history books—dried body fluids? DNA material? Bubba love droppings? A seminal moment in history?). That's why I chose the venue of the World Pornography Conference Opening Night Pornocopia to present the 1998 Boobie Award for Best National Pornography Production to that Peeping Tom point man of Richard Mellon Scaife, Big Tobacco and the Religious Right: Kenneth W. Starr.
As you may recall, about eight months ago, I presented the Boobie Award on my own show. But this time I had the perfect live audience: some 500 pornographers, professors, lawyers and reporters. As I tore open the envelope, the pornographers looked around, wondering who could be the winner. Many have done a lot to further the cause of pornography, but none so much as our enter-prising independent counsel, the most hated attorney in a nation that really hates attorneys.
Accepting the award for Mr. Starr was Ken Starr look-a-like, Keith James. Keith, a friend of mine, was quite convincing; after the show, I overheard a couple of porn starlets asking each other, “How did she get Ken Starr to come here?” [For the complete text of the Boobie Award presentation, please see my website at drsusanblock.com. Also, I have it all on tape! The 9th volume of my Video Encyclopedia of Sex & Fetishes is KENNETH W. STARR: A Pornographer for Our Times. Already, its a classic.]
I congratulated Mr. Starr—via Mr. James--on making a sticky, internationally embarrassing mess of the US government and for being the only pornographer that forces his work on other people (is that legal?). With the breathless, eager assistance of the leak-lapping, ratings-hungry hookers of the mainstream media, this dimple-cheeked son of a preacher man has taken blowjobs out of the backrooms of video stores and put them right out onto the front pages of family newspapers and into prime time TV for every child to see. How many pornographers have accomplished as much for the cause of spreading—or in this case, leaking--the word about the power of sex? The power to capture our atten-tion, the power to humiliate, and perhaps even overthrow demo-cracy itself in the person of a democratically elected president.
This is not to defend the President's private behavior. Personally, I agree with our ex-Surgeon General Dr. Joycelyn Elders who pointed out that if, instead of fir-ing her for discussing masturbation as a safe way to relieve sexual tension, Clinton had taken her advice, he might not be in this semen-soaked pickle.
Of course, cheating on a spouse to whom you've made a monogamous commitment is wrong, as the President admitted. Though I still wonder if the secret reason that Hillary is dealing so well with this is because the First Couple really does have some sort of open relationship, an “arrangement” which makes them both happy and keeps them together, but which they find more difficult to explain than cheating. Whatever the nature of their private relationship, they've stayed together over two decades, supporting each other in good times and bad, and they've raised a lovely, poised daughter who seems to respect them both a lot more than say, another First Daughter, Nancy and Ron Reagan’s Patti. (remember Patti?)
In any case, marital cheating is not illegal or unconstitutional; its a matter of personal morality, and has a lot to do with ones religious beliefs. Most Ameri-cans know that, as they knew it in the last two elections when we elected this President, fully comprehending that he was not the monogamous type. And now, as of this writing, 62% of us polled by the LA Times think the President's doing a good job, and 63% agree with his call to end the investigation, that its enough; we have work to do—real government problems to deal with, from terrorism to the calamitously free falling Asian markets--and prosperity to enjoy, while it lasts.
As for his much-maligned meaculpa, well, it wasn't JFK’s “Ask not what your country can do for you” address or Martin Luther King's “I have a Dream.” But then Clinton wasn't doing anything glorious like being in-augurated or leading a march for racial equality. He was being forced into making a “confession” or “apology.” It's tough to be presidential--strong without sounding arrogant, contrite without seeming whipped—under the circumstances. If Kennedy or King, both now known to have had affairs, had been forced to speak the truth publicly about their sex lives, would they have been so eloquent? I doubt it.
Now, the anger. To the many sensitive pundits so deeply offended by Bill’s anger, I say: Get off TV and get a life! I applauded his anger, maybe because it mirrored my own fed-up fury with Ken Porn Starr and that monstrous Linda Tripp, Shotgun Lucianne Goldberg, Barfin’ Orrin Hatch (Why doesn't Senator Moralizer suggest the President practice polygamy, like they do in his state?), and with the rest of those sanctimonious, semen thirsty zealots, pundits, politicos and press hacks who still aren't satisfied, demanding more apologies, more details, more stains.
Ah, if only I could entice Mr. Starr to remove his sticky fingers from the president's briefs, get out of Washington, and come out to the Valley where I'm sure, with his talent, he could get an honest job in porn. I guess that was the impetus for the Boobie Award.
I don't think he'll be accept-ing my offer real soon. After all, Ken isn't your typical pornographer who just wants to make a few bucks or maybe an artistic statement. Ken Starr is a Holy War Pornographer, attempting to use the tremendous power of sex and sanctimony to achieve a coup d’état, to incite the people and the press against a progressive, hedonistic, blowjob-lovin’ Baby Boomin’ Prez that he and his supporters despise. Starr doesn't use bombs in his Holy War, but he does assassinate. Lets hope these constant character assassinations don't somehow lead to the real thing. That would just make the photo of the handshake with Kennedy too weird.
Starr is such a master pornographer, such a wily, cheery crusader, that he just might achieve his implicit goal of getting rid of this President, or at least weakening him, rendering him politically impotent, so to speak. Thus far, Starr's being thwarted by one thing: the American people. We the People have sent a message through the polls, to our leaders, to the media and to the world: We like sex! We don't like government agents investigating our sex lives. We understand sex can be complex. We know that to demand publicly displayed sexual perfection from our leaders will leave us with a very poor selection of leaders. And we will not be fooled into dumping a democratically elected president by a leaky faucet of pornography. Not that we don't like pornography (we do; witness the ratings); we just won't be fooled by it.
The pundits predict the public will change. Perhaps the cons-tant cluck of Puritanical pontificators will have an effect. And I don't know what other pornographic peepee Starr has yet to leak all over us. Maybe some-thing will dribble out that will push the American people over the edge. Then again, it might just push some right-wing nut with a gun over the edge.
Of course, many of our greatest presidents have had extra-marital sex. Rumors put Washington, Jefferson, FDR, Eisen-hower and JFK in that category. Grover Cleveland, to the horror of the press and the delight of the country married his 21-year-old ward right in the White House. But this is the first time a US president has been compelled to go before the American people and talk about his sex life, warts and all (actually, only the warts).
So, William Jefferson Clinton is the Sex President. That's pretty inescapable, at least for now. But, if we continue to support his efforts to do his job, and if he manages to do it, then maybe that's not such a bad thing. We could actually become a more sexually tolerant, understanding, forgiving, sophisticated society. And that is exactly what the Starr Brigade will do anything to stop.
P.S. If you need to talk about the Crisis in the White House or in your house, or other sexual issues or fantasies, call me at 323.883.1950. My staff and I are here for you 24 hours a day.
K E N N E T H W . S T A R R “The Intern & the President” Is the Winner of 7 Big Boobies! Best National Porn Production Most Leaky Storyline Best Hot Talk Taping Best Unseen Oral Sex Scene Best Cum Shot (on a Dress) Best Marketing Campaign Most Expensive Porn Production in History--with a $40 million budget A special Boobie award also goes to Ms. Linda Tripp for Most Underhanded Technical Support. Never in the history of American politics have we been witness to a more spectacular work of pornography than Ken Starr's two-faced master-piece of White House trash. Never has a piece of common porn so captured the hearts, minds & gonads of so many American citizens, even those of us who really don't care who swallows the presidential semen. Never has the mainstream American media proven itself to be such a fantastic public relations machine for a single pornography production, broadcasting every rumor in this sperm-swirling storm of gossip, intrigue and outrage. Jerry Springer, eat your heart out! Kenneth W. Starr is a XXX star!
This 30-minute tape, a hysterical historical collectors item, is only $19.95, plus $5 shipping.
