DR. SUSAN BLOCK'S
T R A V E L S . W I T H . M A X
EUROPE (continued)

Down to (Show) Business

Monday morning, we began our merry go ‘round of interviews, photoshoots, tapings and (mostly lost) taxis. We morphed into morning people.

Posing for Jeff Kaine...................................................................PHOTOS: ONIE

Splitsville .............................................................................................PHOTOS: ONIE

Some of the photoshoots were quite sexy. Nothing too tasteless or wild. Just a bit of good old-fashioned titillation.

Peekaboo Journalism.................................................................................. PHOTOS: ONIE

In one shoot, with famed British glamour photographer Jeff Kaine, I dropped my panties (or knickers, as the Brits say), and covered myself with nothing but my hands.

Who Swiped My Panties?............................................................................... PHOTOS: ONIE

But most were quite demure. "It’s a family magazine, Ma’am," the photogs would say as they made motions to cover my cleavage, copping a little feely (I’m not complaining, just reporting) in the process.

English Journalist Copping a Feely.
PHOTO: ONIE

Are You Normal?

"Normality highly values its normal man. It educates children to lose themselves and to become absurd, and thus to be normal.
Normal men have killed perhaps 100,000,000 of their fellow
normal men in the last 50 years." R.D. Laing


Am I normal?
PHOTO: ONIE

Most of the interviewers, all of whom were unfailingly polite, asked the same question, which was: "What is the most common question you get on your television show and in your private sex therapy practice?" And the answer is: "Am I normal?"

Everyone wants to know if they’re "normal," if they’re okay, or if they’re "abnormal," "weird," "strange," ie., not okay. This question comes not only from the poor blokes who can’t get aroused without being given an enema of enough fizzy water to fill the English Channel, or crown princes who yearn to be tampons inside their girlfriend’s vagina. This question comes from people who do nothing more odd than masturbate in the shower or fantasize about their next-door-neighbors.

I usually try to reassure them. Most people are normal. Even the fizzy water guy. In the 21st century, we are releasing the concept of normalcy from its constrictive little cage, forged in the long cold war between organized religion and human sexuality, so that it may include individuality, fetish, fantasy, and the sometimes-peculiar reality of our lives.

Miss Normal, USA ...................................................PHOTO: ONIE

Travel Turns Strange Into Normal

Traveling always expands our concept of "normal." When you travel, you see firsthand that in one culture what is normal will appear weird to another culture. This goes for everything from language to food to what side of the road you drive on to what sex practices you consider cool versus perverted. For instance, most British might find American exhibitionists a bit weird, but they almost all—to a Brit—find spanking sexy and fun. Every time I mentioned spanking to an Englishman or woman, no matter how conservative, he or she laughed or at least smiled knowingly, whereas many Americans find the idea of erotic corporeal "punishment" or treating an adult lover like a "baby" to be quite shocking.

"Has Anything Ever Shocked You?" That’s the other most common question of the English interviewers. And the answer is: Yes. When a man told me he couldn’t understand why women didn’t want to date him after he told them that he’d been in prison for 15 years for murdering his mother, I must admit I was shocked. I told him I wouldn't date him either.

Panties in Bulk

French Panty Billboard ...PHOTO: SUZY

A whole different set of questions was put forth by Victor Davis of the London Mail on Sunday. all of which had to do with money. In much the same way that I delve into people’s sexual fantasies, Victor plumbed my financial fetishes. When he asked "What’s your meanness?" I said, "Excuse me? You mean when am I a bitch?"

"No, no, it’s a British expression. Like stinginess. The Queen switches off lights. That’s her meanness. What’s yours?" After considering the image of Queen Elizabeth wandering around Buckingham Palace, going from room to room, turning off the lamps, I replied, "I buy my knickers in bulk."

Victor & I Talk Money... PHOTO: ONIE

Totally Opinionated Manchester

One of the more surreal afternoons was our train ride to Manchester. Manchester is to London what Bakersfield is to LA, except with a lot more wind and rain, as well as much more interesting architecture. It also has a fairly large, popular national TV station called the Granada Breeze. I was a guest on "Six Talk," Britain’s answer to "Politically Incorrect," or what they call "Totally Opinionated TV."

"6-Talk" ..... PHOTO: MAX

Not that their opinions ran much deeper than "Why should I dress up for my lover if I don’t want to be bothered?" and "Why should I give my lover gifts if I don’t feel like it?" Maybe because of all that rain and wind, they’re a bit lazy about love in Manchester. Well, at least they listened patiently while I spent a good five minutes of their precious TV time talking about the bonobos. Hats off to "Six Talk" for that.

Bonobos in Salon

Speaking of the bonobos, while we were traipsing around England, Deirdre Guthrie wrote a brilliant article about me for Salon Magazine entitled The Erin Brockovich of the Bonobos. It inspired me to do my best to insert our kissin’ cousins into every interview, even if the interviewer didn’t know a bonobo from a bonbon.

Bonobos Goin' Downtown

Smoke Signals

The ride to and from Manchester would have been extremely dull, but we enjoyed the company of a perky young German couple, Petra and Stephan, who want to franchise 10 Commandments of Pleasure seminars. Petra and Stephan have been very successful with other seminars, particularly a "Stop Smoking" seminar inspired by an Englishman named Alan Carr. Worried that he might offend their ex-smoker sensibilities, Max snuck off to smoke in the smoking car while we sat in a non-smoker.

Petra & Stephan.... PHOTO: MAX

But Petra and Stephan were no dummies. "Do you smoke?" Petra finally asked.

"Smoke?" Max stalled, "Well, ah, I’d have to say, um, er, yes. I do. I smoke."

"So, why don’t you smoke then? We don’t mind." So he did. Petra and Stephan turned out to be the nicest, most smoke-tolerant ex-smokers we’ve ever encountered. Or maybe they were just being polite…

Most people smoke in Europe. So why isn’t there more lung cancer? We’re not sure, but we do smoke European cigarettes (though most Euros prefer Marlboro). Usually we like Dunhill Blues (Extra Mild), but Max’s former stepmother introduced us to the whisper-light pleasures of Cartier. Cartier Vendôme Ultra Lights, to be precise.

Max’s former stepmother, Ingrid, is a connoisseur of all the gentle vices, good food, good wine and plenty of cigarettes, though you’d never know it to look at her. At 60, she looks 45 with a trim athletic build, gorgeous, slightly sad eyes and glowing skin. It’s one of the many great injustices of nature, but good genes often mitigate bad habits. Ingrid had married Max’s father, Prince Peter Leblovic di Lobkowicz of Bohemia or Czechoslovakia, when she was about 21. Photos of them from the 1950s show her looking like a young Claudia Schiffer. In those days, she was compared to Brigitte Bardot. Max remembers their pillow fights vividly. With a stepmom like that, how couldn’t you?

My ex-step mother-in-law & I
PHOTO: MAX

After a bottle of excellent Heidzik Champagne at Ingrid’s airy art-filled flat, we walked to her favorite local eatery: Fairuz Lebanese Cuisine on 3 Blandford Street. We could tell the staff knew her well when they greeted her with "Good evening, Princess." We devoured an assortment of delectable Middle Eastern dishes, and had so much good red wine that I can’t recall the names of any of them.

One of Ingrid's Paintings With
Reflected View of London
PAINTER: JOHN HOLMES ..... PHOTO: MAX

Continue to more of Dr. Block's Euro-Travels with Max

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